check it out

thinking about trying something new for 2011
check out the newness HERE

And thus the old becomes new again.

"How long to live in a state of necessity?
How long 'til I reach the final place where my heart says "no" and I will listen?
Is it dreams that so obscurely define my reality, or the truth that my heart speaks worlds apart from what my eyes are willing to see?

I scold and trick myself.
I lie to my advantage.
I dream of things and I miss my target- blinded by the back of my head as I turn away.

And it is these things that so manifest themselves in my body that I become a walking habit of dumbfounded resistance- too blinded to see the signs in front of me that scream the Lost-Cause vitals. And oh the shame of myself as a sulk in the depths of want and regret. The powerless struggle I present resounds no truer than in gritted teeth and a defeated heart... because I let myself be overcome by something I couldn't have. And even though this wrecked and haughty soul fell into grace with a grateful heart, she will turn to find that love has blown into the nest of another."

-Me, 2009.

Report

Okay folks. Made my November Resolutions and goodness gracious, this month is already over. I'm still stuck on the fact that Halloween already happened. Where did my semester go? And can I get it back?

I wish I could report back to you with a lengthy, feel-good checklist of all the things I accomplished this month, but I really can't. That would cause me to lie extensively to the public. However, I'm giving myself an extension. It seems silly to give these things up with only a few weeks left of the semester! So the things I haven't done yet, I'm gonna give it a shot. I have until December 17.

Better late than never, right?

Resolution Verdict:
1) Rec Center 3x/ week (FAIL)
-extenuating circumstances + sudden hectic craziness kept this resolution from being accomplished.
-I wish "wanting" to go to the gym counted for going. This, however, isn't so.

2) Vitamins (FAIL)
-I didn't even try.
-But I will try starting Monday.

3) Facebook limit 5 hrs/week (NEITHER..?)
-I started logging my time and I realized I really only was spending about 10-15 minutes per day.
-Clearly, this was not as big of an issue as I thought it was.

4) Healthy Snacking (PASS)
-healthy snacking this November pretty much looked like no snacking. And I did pretty good other wise- until I got home for Thanksgiving and suddenly had an oven to bake things in :/ What's a girl to do?

5) Read a Book (FAIL)
-boo... :( If textbooks counted, I read several.

6) Journal everyday (PASS)
-I journaled almost everyday.. and that's a good enough start for me!

7) "Beautiful Things" reel (NEITHER)
-It's in the production stage.

8) Fix Surfboard (FAIL)
-apathetic + no desire to freeze in the frigid East Pacific = I don't care about surfing right now.

9) Marching band show (PASS)
-Went to Megan's competition in Mission Viejo. It was so fun!

10) Blog (FAIL)
-well, haven't blogged all month. I just don't know what to write about. Who reads this stuff anyways?
-I actually have a blog about Music that's being written... It's just taking a long time because it means so much to me.


BLOG ABOUT MUSIC - COMING SOON!
stay tuned.

November Resolutions

The fact that I haven't blogged in over a month should be enough to tell you I've got some issues that need to be worked out. Thus I give you the November Resolutions. Their whats and whys are listed below, as well as in the side bar of my blog- where any resolutions can be added hereafter.

1. Go to the Student Rec Center at least 3 times a week.

-why:

1) it's free

2) stay healthy and fit!

2. Take vitamins..

-why:

1) during my freshman year, I actually noticed a difference in my overall energy throughout the day when I did & didn't take vitamins.

2) I don't drink enough milk.

3. No more than 5 hours of Facebook per week. (I WILL be logging my time).

-why:

1) pointless hours spent clicking through pages results in unneeded stress when academic deadlines approach.

2) I'd rather talk to you on the phone.

4. Only healthy snacking.

-why:

1) It's almost self explanatory.

2) you don't even want to know how much candy and how many pop tarts I ate last week.

5. Read 1 book (not school related).

-why:

1) makes you a better writer.

2) I miss just reading a book to read it. No strings attached. No highlighter. No annotations. No essay. Nothing.

6. Journal every day.

-why:

1) I like to write.

2) I did this for my entire 8th grade year, and my memories from that time remain fresher than any of my years in high school.

3) It's fun to look back and see what I was learning, and how I've changed.

7. Make a little video reel of "everyday" things that I think are beautiful

-why:

1) Just because.

8. Get my surfboard fixed.

-why:

1) Because it's broken.

2) I miss surfing.

3) So I can go surfing..

9. Go to at least one of Megan's marching band shows.

-why:

1) She is totally awesome.

2) I love seeing the shows.

3) Her band has won every competition so far this year :)

10. Blog

-why:

1) *see Resolution 6; why #1.

2) *see Resolution 6; why #3.

3) *see Resolution 7; why #1.

Making Movies

I recently received an email from the Film Department that gave information on a fully equipped studio in the area that offers a very low rate for students who want to use their facilities. Basically they have a bunch of equipment and a bunch of sets that we can use if we want to. As I read the list, it kind of made me laugh- thinking that an actual place exists that has all these different things:

1. Medical Consultant with over 35 years experience for your medical
themed projects
2. Free parking for up to 25 cars
3. Fully equipped Hospital which features an Operating Room, Nurses Station,
Single Patient Room, Hospital Hallway, M.R.I., Emergency Room, I.C.U.,
Exam Room & Lab
4. Fully equipped Medical Clinic which features a Doctors office, Exam
Room, Patient waiting area, Nurses Station and an additional Operating
or Double Patient Room
5. A formal Restaurant
6. A Diner or donuts shop
7. Living Room
8. Master Bedroom
9. Formal Dinning Room
10. Detective's Bull Pen with Captains office and Interrogation Room
11. Conference Room
12. Apartment Hallway
13. Fully Equipped Morgue
14. Free Wi-Fi
15. Open warehouse which is great for Music Videos or Horror Films!

I mean I guess it makes sense- but could you imagine walking through these places? So real, but so.. not. Trippy.

Skeleton Friends

There is an interesting quality about being human.

We are, after all, simply collections of particles, of materials. Flesh constructed atop slender figures of bone; a network of electricity wired to make our heavy limbs move. We're all made the same way, out of the same stuff, with organs that function in the same ways. All our DNA coils like the pictures in the textbook; and when broken down, we are all simply atoms.

A few nights ago I tried to force myself into this simple scientific framework- it's an eerie thing to experience if, just for a moment, you see your friends as matter rather than people that you know. As the television cast its brightness into the dark living room, I saw my hand, brightly lit, illuminated blue. I imagined the framework beneath my skin, the skeletal hand, and how I could move it on my own accord. I glanced to my left and saw five of my friends friends- all chests rising and falling to different beats of equilibrium.

I imagined them all sitting there- but only in muscle form, and then as skeletons- I didn't like it. To be honest it was kinda freaky- BUT.. it really did make me think.

First I thought about how strange it is for us, these figures of flesh, to care for and encourage one another. To make each other laugh. To hug and hold each others hands. To have thoughts and feelings. I thought about what it actually means to be. So much of what makes the people we know are things that we not only cannot see, but are utterly intangible. Emotion, personality, character, spirit; things that are sometimes so inexplicable; completely individualized.

Many times I envision people shaped- less like figures of flesh, and more like vases; their hollow centers filled with life, light, spirit, and an innate longing for something divine. There is depth in the human character that stretches far deeper than the depth and width of the human skeleton. And it is such a perfect and beautiful thing to behold.

I haven't really come to a conclusion about my thoughts on this, except that it astounds me.

"Untold millions of people run and run,

constantly seeking, grow desperate and die

looking for the light that is within them."

How I Got Scammed.. and Other News

Sula "Lily Lotus" is the perfume I started wearing at the end of high school, and I love it. Originally, I bought it at a cute little store called Anthropologie, but they recently discontinued their retailer-ship of said perfume, and I've since had to look elsewhere.

Buying online is very convenient for many reasons- one of them being price. Normally being around $32/bottle, I've found this perfume on ebay and Amazon for as little as $5 (...total steal). About 2 weeks ago, I used my last spray of my last bottle; but I went online, found a sweet deal on the elixir, and ordered it.

I was amazed at how fast it arrived. It was such a nice mid-afternoon surprise! I wasn't expecting it until Tuesday, so when I had a package slip in my mailbox today, I was stoked. I opened the package on the way back to my dorm- took out the bottle- and the first thing I noticed was that this normally crystal-clear perfume had the slightest yellowish tint to it. I passed it off as a trick of lighting, but when I smelled it- it didn't smell quite right either.

Wanting so much for this story to have a happy ending, I sprayed it on the hood of one of my jackets and gave it 5 minutes.

5 minutes later this "perfume" smelled less like perfume and more like laundry detergent.

After several tests and consulting with the roommate, we decided that this bottle was probably used, refilled, and sent (very meanly) to me. One slightly humorous-disappointment and a strongly-worded email later, I sit perfume-less.

Maybe it's time I start looking for another scent to call my own...

IN OTHER NEWS

there's this boy I really like. His name is Justin. He's great.

I hope that if you don't already know him, you get to meet him someday. And though I have no intention of using my fake perfume, I'm convinced that if I smelled like laundry detergent, he'd still hang out with me :)

How To Be A Film Major

My observations from school, week 1:

- wear black framed glasses

- make use of an Apple product before class and during breaks (iPods, iPhones, iPads, and laptops are all acceptable).

- use the "thinking grip" (fingers holding chin) while watching silent features, shorts, or any other below-average-quality film in attempt to find the deeper meaning.

- nod your head if the professor recites little-known film trivia and facts (as if you already knew).

- don't take notes.

- impress each other by nonchalantly mentioning all the sets you've worked on, and the amazing cameras and lenses you have "just laying around."

- use curse words in every piece of script and prose you write.

- talk about the lighting.

- close one eye, position your fingers in the shape of a rectangle, THEN look at something.

- give a moment of silence after watching a work that seemed like it should have been moving.. even if you weren't moved. Then simply sigh, or utter things like "wow" or "man," until the professor begins lecturing again.

- possess unashamed nerdiness of your craft.

...I'm actually very excited to have started my film classes. And not everyone is like this (in fact, hardly anyone is), but there ARE people who do fit the typical "film-major" stereotype that I heard all about; which is why they're film majors and not biology majors. It was a fun week though! It's a very good feeling to have that initial intimidation behind me. And now that I know how to be a film major, I can fit right in! Just need to find those glasses...

Hometown

It's been a while since I've posted.

More than that, in fact.

I guess that lazy summer afternoon air has just gotten to me.

I find myself feeling pressed for time within the confines of what would otherwise be a pretty light schedule. I think part of that feeling stems from the fact that as much as I didn't want to leave Long Beach in May, I'm not 100% looking forward to going back either. This run-down town has been stealing pieces of my heart ever since I first looked up and saw the sun through its sycamore trees. And yeah, I know it's a place that most local high schoolers die to flee from- but they're looking through a jaded lens. I

know because I've been there; though I've never hated this town like the rest, I don't think. I found (and still find) simple joy in a drive through what's left of the city's countryside; seeing the dusty, dusk sun stretch itself through orchards, and between wooden cracks on roadside barns. I still like, every now and again, to go up with friends to Knights Ferry and look at the stars... even though that old covered bridge totally creeps me out. I like driving by my old high school, and thinking of all the memories I carried from there. But most of all, I just like being at home. It's nostalgia to a certain degree that plagues me, but more than that- it's just familiarity, it's laid-back comfort. It's not the hustle and bustle of the 405, or the overwhelming "be perfect" vibe that drearily hangs over southern california- thick like the LA smog.

But in 3.5 days I will all begin again.

A new school year.

Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to it-

just currently feeling a bit torn..

"Don't ask what the world needs.

Ask what makes you come alive,

and go do it. Because what the

world needs is people

who have come alive."

-HOWARD THURMAN

23,000 words worth... and then some.

might I entertain you with some favorite photos and memories from the last few months?

Navigators

1) Practicing for worship before our last Navigators meeting for the semester. Being a part of the worship team is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things I've experienced.. and its loads of fun too :)





Music

2) This guys is great. Josh Ray. He's taught me so much about music in the last two years and has a heart for worship that's amazing to see in action. Spontaneous guitar-practicing and music-swapping on the dorm lawns was the best.

Clouds

3) My developing obsession with clouds and my final climatology project left me with about a billion cloud pictures in my iPhoto.

click this to read my blog post about clouds.

<-- cumulus clouds over the grapevine.

TOMS

4) Got a pair of TOMS. Mine are the red ones.

browse TOMS.com - great cause. great shoes.

Lil Sis

5) No, not the sorority kind.. the REAL kind. Got to see my sister play drums in her winter percussion group a few times. She's the one off the left shoulder (your right) of the snare player at center.

The show was unbelievable!

Friends - 6) Quality time with people you love is like nothing else in the world.

... especially when its spontaneous :)

Surfing

7) Alright so, even though I'm still slightly terrified of the sport, surfing in the morning is just about the best way to wake up.

<-- Justin and I paddle out.

Party

8) So we had a birthday party for our friend Athena in the common room of one of the dorm buildings. I feel like everything was fine, fun, and quaint- and then everyone suddenly went crazy! Most of us were acting like 8 year olds who had been given a case of Monster energy drinks.

<-- In this picture we see how much fun streamers can be. Notice them all ripped up on the floor.. yeah.. we had quite the dance party.

Concert

9) Finally got to see Anberlin in concert. They played in Biola's gym (which was so cool). There were some strange people there though. Let's just say that Zack and I spent the majority of the concert tallying up these fine folks and all their weird disturbances (like the two very large mosh pits filled with very scrawny boys in fedoras and American Apparel).

Shoes

10) I didn't wear shoes for a whole day. And I wrote about it too - click here.

Paper Planes

11) I fly like paper, get high like planes, if you catch me in the dorms I've got.. a bunch of guys launching paper airplanes at each other. I was just waiting for someone to get a paper cut on their cornea..

Karaoke

12) Spontaneous karaoke trip to a venue called Ding, Dong, Dang. No joke- that's actually what it's called. It was more karaoke/dance party as you can see from the picture. I rocked Hanson's "Mmbop" with Alissa. Good times, people.

Roomies

13) I seriously had the best roommate ever last year. I think its so funny that we had to travel all the way to Long Beach to meet each other and become friends. She lives about 4 blocks away from me in Modesto... what the what.

Sometimes my eyes look a lot lighter than they do on a normal basis.

14) Like right here. My eye looks so green compared to its normal dark-browned-ness. Doesn't it? That's what I thought anyways- so I had to take a picture.

Prom

15) So me and some close peeps organized a formal dance for all our friends. It was so fun dancing and seeing everyone all fancified and dressed up. I highly suggest formal wear if you want to have infinitely more fun at dance parties.

Fun Times at the Beach - 16) After a short photo shoot on the beach, a soon-to-be-married couple discarded this perfectly good 24 x 36" canvas. We had a small photo shoot of our own and then I took it home with me. I'm still deciding what I want to paint..

Sunrise

17) After an entire night of picture-sorting and video-editing, I decided to take the 10 minute drive to Bolsa Chica beach to watch the sunrise. This is one of the views from the lifeguard tower where I stationed myself. Yeah I know, they say not to climb those things, but nobody's out there at 6 AM anyways... except the giant pod of dolphins I saw playing in the waves!

After Party

18) I feel like half the fun of big events is the after party. Amiright? Some of the best bonding time occurs when everyone is just hanging out. The after party announcement being written on this whiteboard followed an annual end-of-the-year event for the Navigators where we look back on the year and honor the seniors (that's what that all-nighter video project was for).

Greatness

19) These women are great. They're on staff with the Navigators at Long Beach State and do so much for me; including, but not limited to: lending me their oven, taking care of me when I'm sick, giving me a place to sleep when I need it, encouraging me when I'm down, helping me plan things, revealing their immense wisdom to me, offering an ear, driving, and so much more. Right now, Alissa (on the left) is in Russia and Alicia (on the right) is in the Middle East - they're both doing missions work. How cool is that?!

King David

20) With the help of my parents, I finally upgraded to a Taylor 314ce acoustic-electric guitar. I found it on craigslist for a jaw-dropping steal.My mom agreed to buy it for me as long as I paid it back to her in the future. Turns out that the super-nice guy who sold it to me was not only friends with my best friend's brother, but we took guitar lessons from the same guy during the same few years. What a neat coincidence. (I named my guitar King David because he wrote a bunch of really awesome songs).

Chasing the Sunset

21) Dani got a new camera. Photo shoot time.. I mean, who wouldn't? Heather took this photo of Dani and I up on a well, silhouetted against a gorgeous sky. I have amazing friends, and this outing taught me a lot. And hey- I wrote about it! Read it here.

Hope you enjoyed some of these photos of my life :) Real blog post to come soon!

Love Modesto

So today is Love Modesto day! When I first saw signs for it, I thought it was some kind of sentimental gimmick to get people to do unrealistic recreational activities like community softball and group picnics. But that's not what it turned out to be at all! Today is a day of community participation in service projects (totally neat, right?) Several churches in the area partnered with community leaders and organizations to kick-start this soon-to-be-annual event. About 1200 people gathered at Big Valley Grace Community Church this morning for a little worship and prayer for the day before splitting into the groups they had signed up for. Habitat for Humanity, the Gospel Mission, World Vision, Second Hand Harvest Food Bank, Delta Blood Bank, and Teen Challenge Ranch were among the the organizations participating in the Love Modesto service day. My home church committed to partner with World Vision in creating relief kits for certified caregivers in Haiti. The United States gave immensely to the Haitians after the earthquake that devastated their nation. But we know all too well that once the disaster lost its hype on the news, we forgot that Haiti still was still in need. World Vision has been in Haiti for 30 years. Much of their mission now is focused on relief efforts. Today we put together 170 relief kits to be distributed to caregivers in Haiti. The drawstring bags were filled with items including latex gloves, soap, washcloths, acetaminophen, bandages, vaseline, bags of cotton balls, and personally written notes of encouragement to the recipient of the package. The items will be distributed by caregivers to others in need. Putting these kits together went so quickly and smoothly that the reps from World Vision agreed to do another event like this, but double (if not triple) the amount of supplies and bags! The kits we put together will be shipped on Monday- wah hoo!

Please continue to pray for Haiti and for the individuals and organizations that are focusing their energy and finances on this country :)

Bobby Pins

I remember when bobby pins were really uncool. When I was in elementary school, it was all about scrunchies and clips and barrettes. No bobby pins. We thought of bobby pins as being outdated and for old ladies- but I have no idea why. Being in ballet classes, I couldn't really escape using bobby pins to secure my slicked back, hairsprayed bun, and that was okay since everyone in ballet class also wore bobby pins. I guess I kind of realized that bobby pins were accepted in the ballet world. But what was awful was when my two worlds crossed- like when I saw friends from school after a dance show, or when our dance classes would do performances at other elementary schools. I was so embarrassed about having bobby pins in my hair! How strange. I also remember how weird it felt to move out of that bobby pin shunning age. For the most part, I only avoided bobby pins because they were socially "uncool," even though I knew how useful they were after having to wear them since I was 4. It was in junior high school that I began to wear bobby pins to school if I needed to. At first I was afraid, but I kind of just embraced it. And now girls of all ages wear bobby pins all the time! Bobby pins are cool now- (or at least accepted)- and they come in all different colors, designs, sizes, some even have little decorations on them like beads or flowers or rhinestones. I'm boggled by how groups develop unspoken rules about things like bobby pins.. Needless to say, I'm glad I no longer think bobby pins are uncool. I use them all the time. And if you don't believe me, you can come look at my bedroom or my dorm- there's always like 50 of them on the floor.

He must become greater; I must become less.

Not long ago two friends and I traveled into West Modesto with a newly purchased camera and a particular interest sunsets. Eager to find the perfect setting, we drove somewhat aimlessly on the larger country roads before happening upon two stables- overgrown with weeds, disintegrating with age. Without much hesitation, we claimed the uncultivated plot for the evening and began to explore- documenting our journey with Dani's new toy- and being eaten alive by fiery red ants along the way.

It was captivating how much beauty could be held within the soggy wood planks of buildings that had seen much better days. There was yet sturdy life in the rusting, corrugated steel that roofed those boards. And as the sun-dried hills drank the light of the day, color spilled like wine across the forgotten walls of the stables; and it was as if 'admiration' had always been their purpose.

After the sun sank, and the response-time of the camera lagged in the darkness, our adventuresome hearts took over and we wandered from the stables. Not far out into the field was a well, and as my friends climbed up on it I couldn't help but stand back- in awe of their stark and brilliant black silhouettes against the expansive, radiant sky. I quickly fumbled with buttons and settings to capture this magnificent scene. Soon the three of us were conducting an extensive photo shoot where each captured snapshot was greeted with a gasp or sigh. It was almost too much to behold.

Up on the well, I could hardly help but drink in my existence. Rising above my accustomed perspective, I let my senses absorb their life. The smell of the farms- fertilizer, dirt, earth. The taste of the warm and weightless summertime air. The sight of the sunset and all it poured its light on. The grittiness of the concrete beneath my bare feet. The silence of the country.

During a moment when I was on the ground and my friends atop the structure, I looked up and there I saw it all: two people, dwarfed and darkened by a giant and magnificent sky, dancing, playing, being within this majestic creation. The royal blue and orange that pulsed throughout the atmosphere spoke of something greater than mankind- and my Creator did not go un-praised.

There before me was a picture of the living God, and an image so utterly tangible and true to the work He is doing in my heart.

John 3:30 says, regarding Jesus, "He must become greater; I must become less."

And there we were, these small yet intimate creations, 3 in 6.7 billion, not consumed by night but rather overcome and illuminated by a backdrop of brilliance, by an entity immeasurable, by the joy of Christ, by the living God. And so much greater is He than we! There, in that evening glimpse, He was greater, and we were less, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever beheld.

"The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joys is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:29-30

Mary

Quick post, just for kicks.

Since we have a new addition to our already instrument-filled home, Katie and I decided that, by the end of the summer, we want to be able to write/play some duets. She on piano, me on cello. Me on guitar, she on cello. I started writing a song yesterday on guitar, with a cello melody in mind of course.. or you could sub guitar for piano. Either way. The lyrics are bellow (and are subject to change) but I thought I'd let you take a peak. Suggestions welcome :)

"Mary"
Mary stands beneath the streetlight with her bags packed on the platform.
She watches the only train pass by, and she doesn't mind.
She was looking for something sentimental in her Mary Jane shoes.
And she thought she'd find it here singing all its melancholy blues.

She thought that seeing something pass that could have
taken her back to you would make her cry.

But Mary doesn't cry.

She ponders in the past about the things that didn't last
and hopes to shed a tear- for all that was lost on you, or
all that was lost.

But once it's left her skin it leaves her heart and so begins
to fade right from her mind.

And Mary doesn't cry.
No, Mary doesn't cry.

She walks the tracks back to your town
And as her thoughts careen her eyes begin to shine
But there is something in her veins
that takes up all the space you left behind

A sense of joy tucked up, behind her lips
and her teeth begin to chatter with delight

And though there's fire in your lies
yeah, though there's fire in her skies,
there's a fire in her eyes

and Mary doesn't cry.

A Cello Summer

I got a Damien Rice cd for Christmas and, after taking about a 1/2 a listen to it, I decided something very crucial had to happen in my life: I needed to learn how to play the cello. About a month ago, I decided that this task would be my summer project, My sister Katie wanted in on it too. I found a cello on Craigslist being sold for $150 (what a deal!)... too bad the woman selling it had actually sold it within 2 days of the ad being placed- she just didn't find it necessary to delete the ad. Thanks.

So we found a cello to rent for the summer- which is just as good, if not better- then Katie and I won't have anything to fight over when the summer ends :)

Below is a picture of "Coacello" our cello. So far I can play the 2-note sequence from the hit movie Jaws, and a D major scale. I had 9 years of success doing the Suzuki program when I played the flute- so we got Suzuki Cello Book 1 today, complete with all the variations of twinkle twinkle little star you could ever want to hear.

More cello tales to come!

Black Tears

My roommate's eyeliner always looks great. It doesn't ever smudge and it stays in these perfect black arches throughout the day. I asked what her secret was and she told me liquid eyeliner.

I was in need of some new eyeliner myself, so when I went to Target today, I searched for this magic beauty potion liquid eyeliner.

When I arrived back in my dorm with my new cosmetic, I decided to give it a whirl and try it out.

If you've ever used liquid eyeliner before, you know how.. juicy.. it is. The problem is, I hadn't ever used it before and I didn't know how juicy it was; thus when I attempted to apply it, I got too much of it too close to my eye and pretty soon my right is is welling up with these diluted black tears.

It was fascinating how fast my body responded to this villain. How did my eye know that the viscous intruder wasn't supposed to be there? Nevertheless, I watched in awe as my eye quickly went to work- moving the black liquid out of my eye. And as I wiped away my ebony tears, I thought one thing:

Man, the human body is amazing!

CSULB Film

As many of you know, I climbed a pretty big step last week as a college student. After 2 years of wishy-washy-ness in the realm of "choosing a major," I finally have one that I can own.

In January of this year, I submitted my application to the CSU Long Beach Film Department in hopes that I would be accepted into their Production Option. The group they select is based on GPA, a personal statement, a critical essay, 2 letters of recommendation, and an artistic project that shows ones capabilities and promise. I was very fortunate to have 2 beloved teachers, whom I highly esteem, write my letters of recommendation. Both gave me the chance to prove myself and grow as a student, and enabled me to own my capacity for leadership and creativity. I am ever grateful for their kindness in this process.

I decided that for my "artistic project" I would shoot a music video of sorts- but not like VH1 or MTV. I wanted to tell a story [or at least part of one] through the creative use of imagery in both cinematography and symbolism. That's fancy-talk for "I wanted to tell a story and make it look pretty." Coming up on winter break, I didn't have a CLUE as to what song I would use or what story I would tell. The submission deadline was January 15th, so I had about 4 weeks to get it together [yikes and a half]. On my drive from Long Beach to Modesto in December, I was skipping through track after track on my ipod, trying to find something that struck me.

I was on the grapevine pass when I kind of gave up, and put on a very familiar mix CD a friend had given me. I had listened to "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" so many times in Long Beach, but this time the song sounded new, and my whole video just kind of created itself in my head- the story, the type of shots I wanted, the props, the colors, the people. And I listened to that song for about 2 hours on repeat just to solidify it all in my mind.

So over break, I recruited a cast (2 of my best friends), got a crew (my family), designed costumes (Target...), bought a bunch of paint (boo yah), and made the video I submitted: Catharsis.

catharsis : [noun] the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions
(it's what the story is about).

To retain some professionalism, I waited to post Catharsis to the internet until I had heard from the Film Program regarding the status of my application. Last Thursday, I was informed that, along with 48 others, my application was accepted and I would be a part of the incoming Production Option class :)

So- below this paragraph is my video. (Yeah, I know it's tiny- and kind of pixely- and I hesitate to show you because of those things. Nevertheless-). Know as you watch it that the intent of this project was to show both creativity and promise (not necessarily professionalism). Yes I exerted much effort into making it as professional as possible, and most everything you see was intentionally done, but with very little formal film education to own to, this is purely rudimentary, purely student (so all you film buffs- extend some grace!) :D

[VIDEO CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION - NOT AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME]

Sijui kama vijambo mwingi

I don't know about many things

I wish I could reveal to you all that I've learned in my Climatology class this semester. I always sit in the front row, sheer wonder in my note-taking, and smiling through the still-waking eyelids of my 8 AM gaze. Even after a semester of the complex climatological subject material nearly wringing my neck, I still attend that class in awe. But what amazes me more is that, even after a semester of Climatology, I will only have scratched the surface of the functions of this planet. Some of it is even beyond the people who have dedicated their lives to geographical studies. In our last lecture on storm formation, our professor told us that though the United States is the tornado capital of the world, tornadoes are still very poorly understood. Amazing. Nevertheless, though I don't (and won't) have the answers and explanations to all of Earth's processes, this class has opened my eyes to the intricacies of a world I've taken for granted. (and it's been more than a little bit mind-blowing).

But film is my major, not climatology.

In my Media Aesthetics class last semester, we talked about how music legitimately affects the image being shown. (If you've ever gone to the extras menu of James Cameron's Titanic and watched the sinking scene without music, you know exactly what I'm talking about). Music creates mood. (If you've ever been aware of how you act while driving- the person you are while Damien Rice is playing is worlds apart from Lil Jon... am I right?) And we use music to express, and to reinforce the emotions we feel, or to create the ones we want to.

I think in music and movement. I'm always very aware of myself and my surroundings while music is playing. I'm always looking for what is syncing up: what am I seeing or doing that "goes" with what I'm hearing? What juxtaposes it? Sometimes I'll even change the song so it better suits my environment. Does anyone else do that? Is there a facebook group for that yet?

Anyways.

Last Monday I was coming back home from my dance class, and as I pulled into my parking spot, the song Stokkseyri by Jonsi & Alex came on. (It's a 7 minute lyric-less song, and if you want to hear it, play the video at the bottom of this post). So Stokkseyri came on, and as I sighed in bewitchment of its sound, I stopped the car and looked up- and the scene before me was simply majestic. I literally sat for a moment with a dropped jaw. It was about 7:30 PM and the sun had just set. The sky was canary yellow and there we these big, bright, pink cumulous clouds just wafting valiantly along the lower atmosphere. If only my arm were just a bit longer, I think I might have touched them. And their boldness shone, highlighted in bright white and yellow- a mirror of the western horizon. The wind moved beneath their bodies, twisting their fragile edges, and carried them slowly before my eyes. And that same wind, it was bending the upper branches of the eucalyptus trees! I could see fluidity in the bark as it flexed in the zephyr; the leaves of their branches, shaking with delight. The music made it more emotive than I may have noticed otherwise- its repetitive tones, its strangeness and overlapping, it evoked the majesty of the scene set before me. It took this magnificent panorama and made it absolutely tangible. And I sat there watching, in astonishment and awe: because I knew how those clouds were formed! I knew about the adiabatic processes and convective uplift that likely created them! about the Coriolis Force and its affect on winds! about so much of the science of what I was seeing.. and yet nearly nothing at all.

Like a puzzle, the intricacies of this earth combine and materialize into beauty, into majesty. There's no way this planet just accidentally came into fruition. Look at it.

"Behold, God is great, and we know him not; the number of his years is unsearchable. For he draws up the drops of water; they distill his mist in rain, which the skies pour down and drop on mankind abundantly. Can anyone understand the spreading of clouds, the thunderings of his pavilion? Behold he scatters lightning about him and covers the roots of the sea. For by these he judges his peoples; he gives food in abundance. He covers his hands with the lightning and commands it to strike the mark. its crashing declares his presence; the cattle also declare that he rises." -Job 36:26-33

Sijui kama vijambo mwingi.
I do not know about many things, but I do know this:

God is.


take a listen:

A Day Without Shoes

It wasn't a difficult choice- going barefoot- there's a kind of thrill of being shoeless in public anyways. In America, we hardly ever go without shoes, and I always savored the few times in high school that, for whatever reason, I didn't have shoes on in class. There was a newness to it, a neat feeling, a rebellion of sorts.

Needless to say, this isn't the case for everyone in the world. But the need for shoes never really crossed my mind until I heard about TOMS and their movement 3 years ago. For those of you who have never heard about TOMS, it goes a little something like this: For every one pair of shoes you buy from TOMS, they give one pair to a child in need. Cool huh? Did I mention that the TOMS I have are also the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned? Yeah, it's true (sorry Rainbows, but you take a very close 2nd).

Anyways, TOMS promotes a "Day Without Shoes," challenging people around the world to bare their soles for a day, not only to see what it's like, but also to help raise awareness and about the fact that:

• A leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted diseases, which can penetrate the skin through bare feet. Wearing shoes can help prevent these diseases, and the long-term physical and cognitive harm they cause.
• Wearing shoes also prevents feet from getting cuts and sores. Not only are these injuries painful, they also are dangerous when wounds become infected.
• Many times children can't attend school barefoot because shoes are a required part of their uniform. If they don't have shoes, they don't go to school. If they don't receive an education, they don't have the opportunity to realize their potential.

(taken from TOMS.com - www.toms.com/movement-one-for-one)

So like I said, it wasn't a difficult choice to go barefoot, not just because I like not wearing shoes, but because there are people who've never had a pair of their own.

The night before, I washed my feet really good, took off that old and chipping nail polish, and spent more time on my pedicure than I probably should have. But what I wanted to do was start with the best possible feet and see how bad they got after a whole day without shoes.

That night I also got out the sharpies and drew the iconic TOMS flag on my right foot and wrote "A DAY WITHOUT SHOES" on my left. This wasn't to call attention to my feet, but merely to direct that guy in Anthropology class to the source causing all the bare-footed-ness around him.

The Day Of: One of the weirdest parts was simply the act of leaving my dorm room- fully dressed, backpack on.. no shoes. It felt incomplete, and I smiled at the strangeness of it. Throughout the day I walked to all of my classes (in lieu of taking the shuttle, as per usual). Being in the library was definitely weird. I saw a few other people with bare feet, to which we exchanged mutual smiles and adorned our lips with expressions such as, "hey, nice feet" and "I like your style." (I thought it was neat how events like this seem to break down that dumb social 'rule' that says we cannot converse with strangers).

What struck me most about the day was that by 3:00, after walking to and from 3 classes and arriving at my 4th one, my feet hurt! I didn't know how my dance class at 3:30 would go. The balls of my feet were red and raw from the heat and grittiness of the pavement, and my once-pristine soles were caked with the filth of the day. After dance, I was rushing to the grassy patches along the way back to the dorms; their cool, squishiness felt like foot-heaven. It was an accomplishment of sorts to have made it for a whole day, but the only thing I could think was What if you had to get up and do this tomorrow, too? And the next day.. and the next day? I mean granted, my feet would become calloused, and the ground I walked on would not feel so strange anymore, but hard and calloused feet- they hurt. Without shoes I would still be susceptible to cuts, to infections, to injuries (have you ever lost a toenail? worst thing ever).

Anyways- my eyes were really opened up on Thursday. I felt, for a moment, a world without shoes. (It made me want to buy 6 million pairs of TOMS). I also found myself especially aware of all the shoes people were wearing. We all have so many shoes! I just wanted to scream out and tell everybody how fortunate they are- not just for shoes, but to just be living in this country, to have the things they have- food, clothes, help, support, opportunities, school, rights, religion, shoes..

think about it :)

If you'd like to have your very own pair of TOMS go here: TOMS.com and check them out!

I used to be crazy

I'm not sure how, in high school, I could finish an essay at 2 AM, sleep 4.5 hrs, have a day filled with academics, music lessons, dance lessons, and feel completely awake until about 11 PM.

I got 7 hours of sleep last night, and the only slightly active thing I did today was ride 1 mile on a razor scooter.. and I'm beat.

Is this what getting old is like?

Song Writing

I write a lot of songs. Most of the time I don't like them.

A few years ago, when I actually wrote them out (like with a pencil and paper), I would throw them away; because after the thoughts had come to fruition in poetic form, they seemed stupid.

When I got to college, I started using Word documents to jot down thoughts and combinations of words that occurred to me throughout the day. This new song-writing process has continued since then, and I've thrown away fewer songs (though it may simply be because these documents are far less tangible...).

I've definitely started more songs than I've finished. I've even recorded snippets of some songs on Garage Band, and those recordings, along with the typed out lyrics, are sometimes better than journals when I'm looking back on earlier days.

I stumbled upon all my Garage Band stuff today (I recorded a lot more than I thought), and it was like time-traveling through the end parts of high school and up through my last four semesters at Long Beach State.

One of my New Years' Resolutions (at the urging of some friends) is actually to record a few tracks in a studio... Until then, I thought it would be neat to post the lyrics of a more recent song I've been working on, just for kicks (Vs. 4 & the chorus still need to be finished).

It's called "Chlorophyll," and it's kind of a letter to myself in response to the sudden loss of a friend last year. I found that one of the final stages of that initial, short-term grieving/coping process, actually started when I confronted myself about my own feelings and began writing this song.

Chlorophyll

And they cut all the grass on the burial ground that

swept your knees before they came to kill that chlorophyll

that filled you up with something more than death,

but Fall it brought rot to your lens,

look again- there's life in the summit.

And soon the pasty legs of winter will

show themselves from cut-off denim

and we'll face the radiation with our skin.

And in time we will forget the tears and

in time we'll learn to say

it's what he would have wanted anyway

Because life has so much more than we can see

O Death, where is your sting?

And you were bitter and you were enraged;

death had come to young to understand.

But rest in His hand and,

life will come back to your heart again.

Chorus

Vs. 4: Let go of the regret that made you weak

and on your knees you wept in the summer

in your bed

Chorus: Life has so much more than we can see,

O Death, where is your sting?

When my life is like a movie...

...these are the things I think:

The clouds caressing the setting sun are gorgeous; they graze the lower atmosphere above the passing farms. With the radio as my soundtrack, I stare out the window and pretend I'm an actress. I let my hair whip across my lips and eyelashes; I do not attempt to suppress its motion. There's a glow of sinking sun on my skin. I let the broken patches of orange flicker briefly in my eyes and I do not blink. I smile with peaceful passion because I know, if this were a movie, I would feel as I feel now: in the moment, in the sunset, in the beauty, in...

Metaphor

I really like to run, you know, like really run.

And this feeling has been building for a long time.
I want to run, but the problem is: I don't.

I sit in my dorm room and I think about running.

I like the feeling of those Asics on my feet.

I sit in my dorm room and I think about the streets- where I would run, how I would run.
But the problem is: I don't.

I'm not even sure what's stopping me. Too many things I guess.
Apathy is one.. Inadequacy, two..
Not knowing if I even breathe right.
Fear of not achieving my personal goals.
It's raining.
I didn't drink enough water today.
I need to stretch.
My iPod earbuds always fall out of my ears.
I don't like being sweaty...

And so I sit.
But I see others running and I envy them (they're so motivated, they're so in shape).
Yet I revert back to apathy-one, inadequacy-two. And I do not run.
And I am not running.
And I look in the mirror- disgusted am I-
I see others running and I envy them.

fear-three, weather-four.

A vicious cycle of it over again.

And all I am lacking is the act itself.

Running.
Yet all it would take is just getting out there and doing it.

Least-Favorites

So I've been thinking lately: It's one thing to know a person by knowing all their favorites- their favorite movies, favorite band, favorite color, favorite food- but I feel like you get to know someone a lot more when you start finding out things they don't like. For some reason, those things seem to reveal a whole lot more about a person. Maybe it's because they are talked about a whole lot less.

Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about least-favorites and dislikes often, especially when I'm around people whose optimism and general love for the world seem to define their existence (how do they do it?!). And to me it's like a small treasure when they gag at the mention of a particular food, or switch the radio when a certain song comes on (usually accompanied by "ugh. ew. no. I hate that song"). I always smile silently if they reveal mild frustration, or even outrightly unveil the thing they are afraid of, or something they do not like.

It's not that I'm condoning hatred, I just find least-favorites to be particularly unique.

Some of my own least-favorites:

word: kowtow (it sounds bitter and reminds me of the color 'burnt orange')

food: watermelon

band: the smashing pumpkins

school subject: math

movie genre: horror

artificial flavor: orange (reminds me of being car sick- Dramamine is orange-flavored).

instrument: pan flute (sounds like San Francisco).

grammatical mistake: the misusing of "there" "their" and "they're"

habit of mine: being 5 minutes late

Colorblind

I was wearing an orange t-shirt in Target today and, while looking for my favorite laundry detergent, a man stopped his cart abruptly and sighed as if spotting me was a stroke of luck. He said,

"Excuse me, but where is the kleenex?"

I was a little taken aback, but I realized he must have thought my orange shirt was a red one- mistaking me for an employee (either that or I just looked like I knew everything). So I went with it.

"Oh, it's just one more isle over," I said with a smile.

(believe me, I know Target).

He huffed a thanks and left. I chuckled quietly.

Moral of the story: Never wear orange (or red, for that matter) in Target unless you know it like the back of your hand.

$ On What Teachers Make $

Obviously The Boys Downstairs Don't Care About Midterms

I. Might. Beat You Up.

If. You. Keep This Up.

... that's about the best rhyme I could spit to the beat of the amplified bass that is pulsating through my floor from the room below me.

This has been going on for the past hour.

And in light of the post below entitled GEOG 130, all I can say is:

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

GEOG 130

So- I'm extremely frustrated right now. Extremely. My Geography class is insane and all the lecture material seems like an intro to something that will be more pertinent later. But the midterm is on Thursday. And our professor gave us a bogusly abstract practice test that basically said "study everything," which, any college student knows, is never helpful.

Sometimes I think- what's the use in blogging about this anyways; it's only extracting from the time I could be studying the material I'm complaining about, or even just the time that I could merely be sitting, staring at the myriad of complex terminology woven into the test questions and wondering if my seemingly eloquent-less professor actually wrote them. I have a hard time believing he did- either that or he is oblivious to the fact that the depth and complexity of the midterm content is never addressed in lecture.

And it's not only the lecture! It's the lab too. About 3/4 of our time in lab is spent collaborating to figure out how to format our Excel graphs so they look the right way- something our instructor does not know how to do either. It's great.. I love trying to discern the guts of the lab later on, by myself, because we spent so much time in class re-formating our x-axis so it would be more aesthetically pleasing...

The whole thing is frustrating, and it's casting an ominous shadow on my GPA.

I'm trying the best I can.

And while I'm close to tears about the ordeal, I'm trying (trying) to trust that as long as I'm doing the best I can, God's got the rest of it- even if that means a B or a C (as much as it kills me to say it). Because if that's what it takes to get me to where He wants me to be, or humble me in the knowledge that my identity is not found in my GPA, then so be it.

I'm just afraid that these instructional inconsistencies are going to rob me of a grade that I am and have been working for.

Photo Blog

So, I'm realizing now that I'm not very good at this whole blog thing.. my blog while I was in Japan was different because I usually had something new and exciting to talk about every day. Now it's just.. regular life. I find myself wondering "what the heck could I even write about today?" and then I end up writing about how I walked into a spider web, or saw someone running with their backpack on. Needless to say, my life is not only average, but relatively boring at times. Thus, I introduce the photo blog... because everyone likes pictu

res! Here are the last three-point-three months of my life in a photographic nutshell:

#1) Thinking of fictitious band names with a dear friend, some of which included:

-November Coast

-Polar

-Sage (also "Ground Pepper" or anything else we found in my spice cabinet.)

-and in honor of Owl City: "Pigeon Village"

#2) Having Christmas at home.

-we always have a very shimmery and very eclectic tree, decked in ornaments from the last 50 years.

#3) Getting to explore the way-back roads of my hometown while site selecting for Catharsis.

#4) Being on a road that divided the ever-growing, ever-grasping city and housing developments from the glorious farmland.. and knowing that it was only a matter of time :(

#5) Getting to film Catharsis with Chris and Heather.

- it was a way bigger project than anticipated,

but so worth the effort to complete.

#6) Forcing my dog to take pictures with me..

#7) Taking myspace-trendy pictures of myself

while allowing for successful photo-bombing..

#8) Some things from my bedroom that I love:

-my picture of me and my 3 besties in high school.

-my calendar from 2008 when I went to Alaska with Heather, Aimee, and Spencer.

#9) Driving back to Long Beach after winter break-

-if I got pulled over while taking pictures of myself, wouldn't it be hilarious if the cop car & lights were in the reflection of my aviators? I think that picture would be worth the ticket..

#10) Meeting best friends in the Happiest Place on Earth.

#11) Picture from the set of the Navigators Truth Conference video.

-looking at this makes me know what I want to do with my life.

#12) Dancing with a cardboard cut out (goofing off on set)

#13) Making new friends...

#14) ... and continuing relationships with older ones.

#15) Beach Devotional Saturdays

-except.. the last 4 Saturdays have been the ONLY days it has rained.. what's up with that?

#16) Having 17 mate-less socks..

#17) Buying $5 childhood favorites at Target..

#18) Painting abstract stuff while I'm sick-

also, making the same face I made after

buying $5 childhood favorites at Target.

#19) Being sick.. bleh.

I also have been studying and stuff too- but I mean c'mon- who takes pictures of that? :)